


You're in Europe and I'm in agony

by apieformydean



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Alone, Also Phil travels alone here, Also Phil's on a vacation, Amazingphil - Freeform, Crying, Depression, Don't Ask, Emotionally Repressed, Europe, Existential Crisis, I dunno why, I'm bad at keeping canon events, I'm so sorry, It just makes things more convenient for me, M/M, Mild Language, OTP Feels, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil is away, Possibly Pre-Slash, Sad, Secret Crush, YouTube, all of them - Freeform, angsty Dan, bi!Dan, closeted!Phil, danisnotonfire - Freeform, light Dan/Chris, mentioned Chris/PJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-13 20:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4536453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apieformydean/pseuds/apieformydean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is leaving for Europe for a week and Dan is left alone in London. It's really not that complicated, everything's gonna be fine.</p><p>Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're in Europe and I'm in agony

**Author's Note:**

> ayyo so this took me for ever to write but i'm so happy i did it anyway!  
> this one is a bit darker, it's mainly about Dan's infamous existential crisis which gets stronger with missing Phil  
> but there's a happy end, i swear!  
> inspired by [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV1Mwc3TLd0) video (it will break your heart, seriously)  
> Also, i had no beta, and i own nothing just the story, the mistakes and your tears  
> enjoy :3

I’ve always hated airports. I mean, the crowd was horrible itself, my misanthropy was raging every time I had to go to such places. Everybody was rushing, pretending they were so busy and important with their little lives and muttered goodbyes. Oh yes, the goodbyes. The other thing I couldn't stand in connection with airports. I hated saying goodbye. Leaving was always the end of something, no matter it was just for a short period of time. It meant constant waiting for reunion.

I was really not looking forward to the week ahead me. I was afraid of myself, afraid of loneliness and just afraid in general. I was _really_ not used to being alone but I had to handle it for Phil.

And when it was about Phil I couldn't be a whiny little princess. He didn't deserve that and I just couldn't have done that to him in the first place.

He was so shy about telling me he would go on a vacation. We were sitting in my room, after filming a video about something vaguely interesting. He tried to hide his worried little gestures but he knew I would recognise them. I didn't mention it, however. I waited patiently but when he actually managed to say it, I was dumbfounded for almost a minute.

Europe was wonderful, and I knew he was totally into travelling. After telling me about his plans, he just couldn't shut up about it. I loved it because he was so passionate, it just felt good to watch and listen to him while he talked. He was gesturing and his expressions made me smile. I also hated it because every sentence he said brought my repressed anxiety just a little bit more to the surface.

I just really hated being alone but I did it for Phil without a word.

I watched as his plane took off from the huge window of the airport. London was rainy and grey on that Sunday as always, but with the leaving plane everything seemed to become even more empty and pointless. His last words rang in my ears as I put my hand on the glass, vapour appearing around my fingers.

_Hey, you look like as if I were dying. Come on, give me a smile._

And I just smiled, genuinely because when Phil was grinning at me I couldn't do anything else. I, however, realised the small gleam of doubt in his eyes, and I felt awful instantly. Phil didn't deserve to be concerned about me, he had to be enthusiastic about his vacation, and I had to help him in it. Good thing I could at least act as if I didn't mind him leaving, as if I wasn't going to bang my head against the wall while waiting for him every day.

The plane has left for about half an hour and I realised I was still standing in front of the window. I pushed myself away from it, and headed towards the exit. It just started raining, for about the fifth time that day and I pulled my hood on as I made my way to the main road. I caught a taxi and let my brain turn off as it drove me home. To the empty, silent, Phil-less apartment.

 

On Monday, I woke up at noon I was instantly concerned about the silence. Phil always woke up before me and by the time I did so, he was already in the kitchen, usually listening to some music or just humming to himself. It took me a moment to realise why I didn't hear him.

I got up and took my phone with me to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and I actually chuckled at my face. My hobbit hair was the worst, but I also had clothes on from the day before and an expression of the kid whose parents forgot his birthday. Pathetic.

I grabbed my hair iron and started straightening my hair. It took me half an hour, but I knew I had to finish a video for YouTube, because I didn’t want to lose any subscribers. I knew the videos I made with Phil were the most popular, but I wanted to make some without him as well, because we still were two separate people. I just had to remind the world.

Cutting and editing the video was not my favourite thing, but it managed to keep me occupied until 4 p.m. I was happy time went on so quickly because it meant I was approaching Friday. I decided not to look through the comments under my – our – last video because those were either hateful or written by shippers. I didn’t know which would upset me more at the moment.

It was usually Phil who dealt with the hate surrounding our videos. He was much better at it than me, although he got more of it. I didn’t understand how anybody could write such horrible things on anything on the Internet. Especially on _Phil’s_ videos. I mean, all he did was being cute and adorable and giving him hate was the most unfair thing I could imagine.

And the shippers… well, most of them were crazy. Like enormous first-class crazy. I don’t even know when they started to ship me and Phil, but it was not long after our first videos together. Phil usually just smiled at their comments, but when it came to fan-fiction, he was totally uncomfortable. I was, as well, but because of another reason.

I spent the rest of the afternoon on Tumblr and YouTube, checking my friend’s accounts and blogs. I watched some series as well, but they were mostly just to fill the apartment with sound, because I didn’t want to hear the silence around me. Night came surprisingly quickly, and I slept with my earphones in, because it helped to repress my thinking. I was pretending Phil just left to buy us coffee or do the groceries or kill some dragons or whatever. Anything that meant he would be home in any minute. Even though most of them weren’t very likely at midnight.

 

When I opened my eyes on Tuesday, it was almost 1 p.m. I decided to take a quick shower, which meant standing under the hot water for almost an hour, thinking. That I really didn’t want to do, but showering was necessary so I just tried to think about what my new video would be about. I usually had good ideas, but now the only ones I could come up with needed Phil. I needed Phil. I shook my head, water drops flying around me as I did. I was being ridiculous. And clingy. I couldn’t stand clingy people, sure as hell I didn’t want to become one of them. I turned off the shower and got dressed, trying not to think about anything at all.

I went back to my room, purposefully avoiding Phil’s door. I wandered into the kitchen because my stomach was rumbling. I didn’t eat anything the day before so I decided to have something luxurious. I took two kinds of cereals and soaked them in cocoa milk. Oh, yes, what a time to be alive. I took my bowl in my room, sat down on the bed and opened my laptop.

I’ve always got a lot of emails, and usually scrolled through them to see if there was anybody important writing to me. My heart probably skipped a beat when I saw the too familiar email address, and I couldn’t open it fast enough.

_Dear Dan,_

_Sweden is so great! I’m sad you didn’t come with me, though. You would have loved it here. I’ve seen a bunch of llamas in the wild, and they were so happy, just bouncing around on the hills and everything. They reminded me of you. I’m going to France tomorrow, I hope you’re enjoying your time without me, because I’ll be back soon and you’ll wish you’d have some more time alone :)_

_Phil_

I read through it. And again. And again. There was a picture attached, it was a selfie Phil made with a llama. The animal seemed bored, he obviously didn’t know who this guy was. Phil was smiling, his gorgeous eyes twinkling and I felt pain bubbling in my chest. I read the text again.

I’m sad you didn’t come… they remind me of you… you’ll wish you’d have some time alone… Really? Was _that_ what he was thinking? That I threw parties and enjoyed being without him?

Well, maybe he just wanted to believe I was.

I typed a response.

**Hey Phil,**

**Yeah, I’m perfectly okay, I have a great time, you know, the Internet is my favourite place. Well, I miss you, too, but I’m glad you like Sweden, and I’m sure France will be great as well. See you soon.**

**Dan**

It was a shitty reply, but I wanted to respond to his email. Or at least try. I took a selfie with my llama hat, similar to his one with the real llama, and I sent him that as well. I made sure to smile, even though I felt more like crying.

I was happy he enjoyed his trip to Europe, I really was. However, it was strange he didn’t ask me to join him when he announced he would go. It hurt me a bit, but hey, we were both adults with our own lives and I respected his need for personal space. I understood he wanted to break away from being one half of _danandphil_ for just some time.

However, it didn’t make it easier to watch him do so.

I closed my laptop, because I didn’t want to stare at Phil’s selfie for hours and I was afraid I would if I didn’t turn my computer off. I turned on the telly, but I knew I wouldn’t watch it, because it was nothing interesting and I was thinking too much. There was basically nothing I could do without the Internet, and realising this was fairly unsettling.

I usually was totally okay with being who I was, the awkward British kid from YouTube with the fringe. It was much more comfortable than a lot of other things would have been. I was expected to be cynical and entertaining, which both came naturally so I considered my life to be quite easy. I had friends, well, _a_ friend, and it was perfectly alright.

In moments like this, however, I couldn’t stop thinking about nonsense crap. I was sitting on my bed, looking at the telly, not even recognising the show that was on. I was just staring into nothing and the only thing showing I was still alive was my shallow breathing. My brain was like a pair of white jeans; anything that came into contact with it, stained and I couldn’t vanish any of that. The thoughts were just gathering into a pile of anxiety in my head.

I was thinking about my videos. I had no idea what would life on Earth be like in a hundred years, but there would be Internet, right? I couldn’t imagine there wouldn’t be. So it meant my face would stay there for ever. I usually considered it to be a good thing; leaving a mark on this planet after we’re gone. Now it seemed pointless. Everybody was so crazy about this, I included, but at the moment it seemed all foolish. I mean, what was the purpose? Why was it so important? Because, look at it this way, those people in the future were to die, too. Memories were just an illusion. The whole ‘searching for the ‘meaning of life’ was a fucking cliché but I felt like I had to go and find it.

My existence was just not important. Anybody else could have done what I was doing. Probably even better. Sitting on my bed, worrying the hem of my blanket, feeling like I would break down crying in any moment, I knew I was nobody.

I decided to lie down, hugging the covers to my chest. I closed my eyes, but all I saw was Phil’s photo. He was smiling, he was so happy, and I was an asshole to feel this way, but I was jealous. I wanted to be as happy without him as he was without me, but it was not going to happen.

Re-watching the videos we made together, I understood what the shippers were talking about. _Heart eyes Howell_ was something I was aware of and tried to stop doing but I knew I failed every single time. I was grinning like an idiot when Phil was with me. Constantly. It must have been bloody annoying but I just couldn’t stop. Phil was literally the physical form of happiness. He saw the whole world so brightly that I couldn’t think about anything sad when I was with him. He was the complementary colours to my black and white world. He was the most innocent and sweetest and funniest – and just the closest to a perfect – person I’ve even met, and I was head over heels.

I felt my cheeks were wet from my tears as I was thinking about all this because I was just a fucking loser with an enormous crush on his gorgeous best friend.

 

I didn’t even know when I fell asleep but on Wednesday I woke up with sore eyes and tangled into my bedsheets. I didn’t even think properly about the fact that Phil was still away, the thought was lost somewhere in the back of my mind. Checking my phone made me realise it was only 10 a.m. I hadn’t been awake so early probably since I left school.

I didn’t fancy the idea to get out of bed. It was pointless. I wasn’t in the condition to do anything with YouTube or BBC or comments or fan mail. Nothing productive. My laptop was on the floor next to me. I stared at it for some moments before deciding it wouldn’t hurt to go on the Internet just for some minutes. I opened my Tumblr and scrolled through my dashboard, without really paying attention to the whole thing.

I was thinking about all the people who would look at my blog and think it’s something important. It really wasn’t. That was just a pile of bullshit, but people were interested in it, only because it was _mine_. It freaked me out sometimes. But not now. Now I was numb and barely felt any emotion.

I was online for hours. Seriously. That shit swallows you if you’re willing to let it do so, and oh boy did I want it to distract me. I wouldn’t let myself think. It was hurting, even though I knew I should have stopped, because it was not healthy to think too much about things you couldn’t change. However, since those thoughts were the only ones in my head, I was happy Tumblr could turn all sorts of thinking off. It didn’t bring me closer to the ‘meaning of life’ but it was better than nothing.

It was already around 6 p.m. and I felt like that the boy sitting on my bed, Tumbling away on my laptop, was a complete different person from me. My brain and eyes were not connected to my body anymore, and I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. My mouth wouldn’t move, I didn’t find my voice. I didn’t feel my fingers tapping on my laptop, I couldn’t hear the sound of the keyboard. I was just eyes and brain.

By the time I realised what I was doing, I was at my emails again, just like the day before. My eyes were glancing through the addresses hungrily and this hunger was the first thing I felt since I woke up in numbness. When I found Phil’s reply my heart jumped a bit, and I felt like I was in my body again.

_Hey Danny,_

_I’m in France today, I have seen the Eiffel tower already. The food is so strange but I know you like strange food so I guess you’d like it much more than I do. You’d actually love it here. I would love you here. I want to show you around here once, but I know you like staying home, so I’ll just send pictures. Please ignore my face, I look like an eel in most of them._

_I also make friends, can you imagine? Her name is Nicola and turns out she’s here on a vacation and on her way back home to Germany at the moment so I guess we’ll go together. She’s very funny, I think you’d like her. She’s tall but very pretty, cynical but in fact very cute if you get to know her. Now that I think about it, she’s a lot like you._

_Anyways, I’ll be home on Friday, I hope you don’t miss me that much ;)_

_Phil_

I was barely blinking as I read through the email. My mouth went dry when he wrote ‘I’d love you here.’ At the mention of the girl, however, my eyes widened and I couldn’t open the attached photos fast enough.

Phil didn’t look like an eel. He looked wonderful. His face was so relaxed, I haven’t seen him be this stress-free for a long time. I wanted to touch him. Touch his face, arm, smell his silly raspberry shower gel, hear him mumbling to himself when he was confused. I wanted him with me, wanted him to be real, because, frankly, seeing pictures were close to nothing. And even though I tried to concentrate on his beautiful face, there was something bothering on all of them.

What kind of name _was_ that even? Yeah, okay, German. She had short hair, similar to mine, and her huge brown eyes made her look even more like me. She wore all black, and I chewed on my lower lip. She was basically my female version. Was Phil purposefully trying to replace me or was it unconscious?

Either way, I felt an angry blush colouring my cheeks. I was so jealous I couldn’t even bother to state it otherwise. Nicola got to be with Phil, spend time with him and she was the one he would take to Berlin with him and why? Simply because _she crossed his fucking way_. Oh, sorry, and she was ‘tall and pretty and cynical and cute’. Those things clearly make _anybody_ a perfect replacement for your best friend. How could Phil ever think I would like her?

I found myself suddenly stumbling out of bed. I grabbed the first pair of black jeans I found and with some effort and cursing I pulled them on. I also put on a grey shirt, which may not have been the cleanest or nicest but it was alright. I rushed to the front door, put on my Chucks and after grabbing my phone, keys and wallet, I left the flat.

When I realised what I was doing, I was already walking down the street. I just had to get out, because my self-pity almost suffocated me. The end of September – yes, I would have hummed the song, had I been in a slightly better mood – was much colder than I expected it to be. It was too early for the pubs and clubs to be full, but I had nowhere else to go. Surely, I could have just returned to our flat, but it was as silent as a bloody graveyard and I couldn’t stand it.

I found a small pub, it was warm and smelled of almond. Jazz music filled the place and the walls were a pleasant shade of brown. It wasn’t crowded, there were only some small groups of people, chatting and laughing. I sat at the counter, and the bartender was by me instantly.

“What can I get’ou?” he asked, smiling politely.

“Just one beer, please.” I responded, shuffling a bit in my seat. I was not used to going out, especially not alone. Fortunately there was nobody who wanted to chat with me, only the bartender, but I guess that’s a part of his job.

“Oh, kid, y’ look like a kicked puppy.” he commented, placing my beer in front of me. He spoke with a rich Irish accent and looked like Santa with ginger beard and olive skin. He must have been in his late forties.

“Why, thank you.” I grimaced, taking a sip from my drink. I really didn’t need anybody to tell me I looked like shit, I knew it perfectly well myself.

“Hey, jus’saying.” he shrugged, and took a look around. When he was sure there was nobody waiting for him at the other end of the counter, he continued. “’s it a girl?”

“Hell no.” I snorted. Why did everybody ask _this_ instantly when a boy looked sad, sipping his beer alone in a bar?

“So it’s a boy.” he nodded.

“No, I mean… just a friend.” I shook my head. “My best friend, apparently.”

“And what did th’ bloke do t’make you look like you’re ‘bout to kill everyone in 'ere?” he asked nonchalantly, putting an abandoned whiskey glass in the sink. I took an especially big sip of my beer before responding.

“He left.” I said, and I felt my throat tighten. It was actually the first time I vocalised it, so this was painful.

“Left as in…?” he frowned, leaning against the counter.

“As in he went to fucking Europe and left me here at home and found some girl and now they must be sharing a room and… eh.” I drank again, letting a disgusted expression show on my face.

“Well, ‘t certainly sucks.” the bartender nodded, and I rolled my eyes in a ‘No shit, Sherlock.’ way. “Does’e know?”

“Know what?” I asked before thinking. I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“That’ou love ‘im.” he said, raising one eyebrow. I flinched. Hearing it from somebody else made it even more painful.

“I’m _not_ in love with him.” I told him, in the most determined voice I had. “It… it might be a little crush, but nothing too serious.”

“Well, ‘f course it’s nothin’ serious.” he shrugged, totally unimpressed, turning away to two girls who were waiting for him on the other end of the counter. I was left alone with my thoughts and the things the guy’s words made me feel.

I was not in love in Phil. I _couldn’t_ be. I mean, it was not reasonable to think we would be anything more. Just look at me. He left me three days ago and I was already drinking and whining over how unfair and pointless my life was. Phil deserved somebody better. Maybe he deserved Nicola.

I gritted my teeth. If they were sharing a room… no, Phil was not that guy. He was too sweet and adorable to do things like that. I just couldn’t imagine he would. However, in the back of my mind, the thought was planted and I couldn’t forget it anymore.

I drank the last of my beer and put some money on the counter, making sure it was more than just the drink. I went out on the street again, shivering as the cold air hit me. It was past seven and I saw people gathering around clubs. I was just walking on the street, watching a group of already drunk boys and girls doing funny or just embarrassing things, being too loud and physical. I pulled my jacket tighter around me, and tried to avoid them. It wasn’t that easy, though.

“Hey sweetheart!” a boy yelled after me. I knew better than to stop for him, but he came after me. “Oh, come on babe, I just want to get to know you!” he was approaching me, and I was impressed he could walk so fast in his condition. He took my wrist and pulled me towards himself. The first thing I saw were his brown hair, lip ring and freckles.

“Excuse me, but I’d rather we don’t start a conversation.” I told him, hoping it would keep his mind occupied for a moment so I could make an escape but he wasn’t so easy to get rid of. I saw in his marine eyes that he was barely standing on his feet but he was still stronger than me. He had huge arms, I was sure he could crack my neck with his bare hands. Instead of that, he put his hands on both sides of my face.

“Stop talking, pretty boy, and put your mouth somewhere else.” he grumbled in my ear and almost pushed his disgusting alcohol-smelling lips to mine. I backed away, but tripped on the edge of the pavement and fell over it. Typical Dan. That’s when his friends – four girls and two boys – caught up to us.

“Man, Jase, stop, what the hell?” a smaller, blond boy shoved him in the chest with both hands. He was obviously older than him, and the huge guy obeyed him. The other dude came to me to help me up when…

“Chris?” I asked, eyes wide. The boy stopped in the middle of the movement. His eyes were shining, but I could tell he was sober. His hair was ruffled and he wore navy blue jacket with skinny jeans.

“Hey Dan.” he was just as confused as me. He eventually took my hand and pulled me to my feet. I dusted off my jeans and realized it’d ripped on my knee.

“Awesome.” I groaned. When I looked up at Chris, he was glancing around, and I didn’t even need him to ask his question before my heart was aching. He was looking for the other half of me.

“So, where’s Phil?” he turned back to me with a light frown.

“He’s… uh, away.” I told him, rubbing my tight a bit where I hit it as I fell. Chris was eyeing me for a moment, then turned to his friends. The girls were around ‘Jase’ and from the look on his face I could tell he was being told off. I had no idea who Chris’ friends were. There were two girls in very revealing skirts and heels, one in a shimmering silver dress and the fourth one with pink hair and shorts. The blond boy was just standing in front of him and eyed him with a disapproving expression.

“Babes, I’ll take Danny boy home, don’t wait for me, okay?” Chris called and didn’t even wait for their response, we were already making our way to my flat.

The walk to my apartment was rather quiet, despite the fact that we haven’t met for months and obviously had some things to discuss. I shoved my hands in my pockets and he was just walking by me, occasionally glancing towards me. I could see each puff of breath coming from his mouth. I was sure he wanted to ask. He didn’t, however, and I was very glad.

Entering the flat, I kicked my Chucks off and headed for the bathroom. I took my jeans off, put them in the laundry and put on some sweatpants. I took my jacket off as well and joined Chris in the kitchen.

He used to be a frequent guest at ours, so he was about to put on some water in a kettle and already took out two mugs. I waved him off, knowing it wouldn’t be just a polite tea night, and sat at the table, on the opposite side from him.

We were still silent, but now he was shamelessly staring. I would have felt uncomfortable if I didn’t know what it was all about. I tried to avoid his gaze, but it was like laser beams pointed right at my face, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Jesus, Chris, stop staring at me like a lunatic.” I sighed, rubbing my temples. I maybe shouldn’t have drank that beer, it was making me a bit dizzy.

“You are the one to walk the streets of London alone at night and _I’m_ the lunatic? That’s hilarious, really.” he spoke, tone monotone and scary. I knew it was just how he was, but it didn’t really make it less disturbing.

“I just…” I shrugged, looking down at my hands on the table. “I needed a distraction.”

“You and your fantastic ideas.” he shook his head. “So, where is your lover boy exactly?”

“He’s not my lover boy.” I told him and tried to ignore the desperation in my voice. “And he’s in Europe.”

“So what, it’s not like he left forever, right?” he voiced the obvious.

“Of course not.”

“Then, I don’t see the problem.”

“The problem is that I can’t fucking go out at night alone unless your friends going all crazy on me.” I could practically hear sarcasm dripping off my words.

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry about that.” he said, and I didn’t know if he meant it. I decided to assume he did.

“Phil met a girl in France and they’re so happy there and I’m left here and since Sunday I haven’t been out and I’m just all alone, Chris, this flat is the most depressing place to be when he’s not here.”

“Man, you’re so in love it’s not even funny.” he was looking directly at me when he said it and I felt myself blushing, looking down at the table again.

“I’m not in love.” I insisted and felt the _déja vu_.

“Yes, you are.”

“Yeah, because you would know.” I smirked, annoyed.

“Please.” he rolled his eyes. “I’ve been witnessing your eye-fucking for years, and I didn’t even say a word about it because I assumed you two would be smart enough to work it out on your own but apparently it seems like you’re dumber than I thought.” He said with one breath and I blinked at him for a few moments before answering.

“That’s not like he’s the only one for me or anything like that, okay? I’m maybe just lonely in general, that’s why I miss him.” I offered. I’ve technically just confessed my crush on my best friend, but I wanted him to stop saying I was _in love_. That was an exaggeration. I wasn’t. I _couldn’t_ be.

“So you mean you could be with anybody else without even thinking about Philly?” he asked, only lightly raising one eyebrow.

“Exactly.” I said, voice more confident than I actually was. I was thinking about the girl with pink hair from Chris’ group of friends. Yeah, she was quite attractive. There was a boy at BBC as well. I would have liked to spend some more time with him, too. And there was Chris himself.

“I doubt it.” he shook his head. He was still looking at me with piercing eyes, his hair ruffled in all the right places and slight concern on his face. I’ve always liked him. He was waiting for something, waiting for me to prove my point. Since I had no better idea in my beer-soaked little brain, I leaned forward, closing the gap between us and kissed him on the lips.

His eyes widened and he froze. It was really not something he expected me to do. I closed my eyes and played pretend. He didn’t move at first, so I opened my mouth and pushed my tongue past his lips. He finally seemed to come to his senses, and kissed back. He sucked on my lower lip, just a little bit, and I sighed. I barely took my mouth away from his as I went around the table and pulled him close again. I didn’t open my eyes, thought.

He was all tongue, it was playing with mine, wrestling for dominance and I tangled my fingers in his hair. His hands rested on my hips and didn’t pull me closer or do anything, really. Just let me do what I wanted.

I felt my member hardening as I pulled him in the living room. My leg bumped against the sofa and I pulled him over me. His tight brushed against my cock and I couldn’t help but moan out the only thing I could think of.

“Ah, Phil.”

That was it. My eyes flew open and widened, just to see Chris was already standing up, smirking at me. I felt my face heat up so much it was like I was literally on fire. I couldn’t look at Chris in the eye, just sat up and tried to cover my hard on by pulling my knees up to my chest.

“I’m so sorry, oh my god, I shouldn’t have let this happen-“

“My point is proven, Danny boy.” he interrupted me with his damn calm and monotone voice. “You should really do something about this. Go and text him or something.” He didn’t even sound hurt that during making out I just _fucking moaned_ another guy’s name.

“Chris, I’m sorry, I’m a bloody idiot, please don’t hate me.” I whined, covering my eyes with my hands.

“That’s alright, honey.” he said, and I wanted to believe him. “Just don’t tell PJ about this. He will kill you.”

I would have asked him if he was joking or being serious but I couldn’t. My lips were trembling and I barely heard the opening and closing of the front door. I felt awful. My head hurt, tears were flowing down my cheeks and I wanted this to be over.

I wanted Phil to come and tell me I’m not the freak I felt myself to be. I wanted him to pat me on the back and say he would get me some chocolate. I wanted him to-

No, I just wanted _him_.

I couldn’t help but whine at the thought.

I was in love with Phil.

 

Waking up on Thursday I realised I must have wept myself to sleep again. I didn’t really check my phone for the time, I just tried to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to know about the world that clearly didn’t want to know about me. I barely took a glance at my window. I knew it was raining again. The sun was not out, so I had no idea of the time. I felt my chest throbbing. There was only one thing on my mind.

Phil. Phil. Phil.

No matter how hard I tried to go back to dreamless sleep, my mind didn’t let me. I should have been relieved that I finally knew what I wanted, knew how I felt. In fact, I was anything but. I had a thousand and one reasons why it would never work out.

For starters, I’ve never seen Phil interested in a male before. Why would I have been the only exception? That was just not rational. He always liked geeky girls with brains. He told me once: when he imagined himself with his wife, they would always play video games and cook together and cute shit like that. When he spoke like that, I always had to act as if I didn’t feel like I was a temporary person in his life. At that time, I wasn’t aware of the fact I wanted to be the one he would grow old with, and it still hurt. Now, the pain in my guts was even more burning.

I hated this feeling, hated the fact that we would never be together and hated myself as well. Under the covers, my nails dug in my palm and it hurt but it felt alright. I did the same with my other hand. I shut my eyes and wanted to believe it would be alright, it was just two days until he came home, that then we would be okay.

I thought about all our subscribers who always said we were a couple. I thought about the look on Phil’s face when they said that, about the fact that he always refused to talk about it. Not on camera, not with me, not with anybody. I wanted to, I hoped to get just one word out of him about it, but I couldn’t. He was so closed up, and I assumed he was ashamed. Of me? Probably. I wouldn’t have blamed him. Stupid _Heart eyes Howell._ It was so much easier when I admired him from a distance. I would have done anything to make our relationship how it was back in 2009. We were just two dorks – no, I mean, I _was_ a dork, he was already gorgeous then – who made some Q &A videos together and fooled around with cat whiskers.

My phone suddenly went off and it pulled me back to reality. I didn’t mind, however. There was no one I wanted to chat with on the phone. It was probably Chris. If he was about to call me out on last night, I would have let him do it. I felt too numb to put up a fight. If it was PJ to tell me I’d better stay away from his boyfriend, he was an idiot for thinking it was a serious kiss.

The kiss. I still didn’t know what to think about it. It felt so real. _It_ was _real_ – I reminded myself. The hands, the lips, the tongues, the hips. Everything. I just couldn’t imagine it was Chris. It was nothing like I would do to him. It rather felt like… like I was with Phil. My throat tightened at the thought. God, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to touch him, feel him, see him and hear his voice.

My phone stopped ringing and went on voicemail and hearing the first word the person said made my eyes go wide.

“ _Hey Dan._ ” Phil started. My body tensed, I didn’t move, fearing if I did, I would miss a word. “ _It’s me. So… I’m in Germany, Nicola is safe and sound at home. She gave me her number, we became great friends. She showed me the city, which is truly amazing, the zoo was breath-taking and- I- I’m sorry, that’s not why I called._ ” he cut himself off and I was glad he did. I didn’t was to hear about the girl. He cleared his throat. “ _I’ve talked to Chris. We haven’t in ages, but he messaged me and asked how long I was going to stay away. He also said I should come home earlier… I didn’t understand, the only logical thing I could think of was that you two met. I’m sorry I’ve missed it… Also, he sounded a bit concerned._ ” he added, and it was true for himself as well. “ _Is everything okay, Dan? And don’t go all smart on me and say_ of course _it is, because I know when it’s not. I’m worried. You haven’t responded to my last few emails and now I’m talking to your voicemail as if it was actually you…”_ he huffed a small laugh but it wasn’t a happy one. “ _Just call me back, Dan, alright? I’m here if you want to talk. I’m always here._ ” he reassured me, and there was a moment of awkward silence before he talked again. “ _I’ll be home tomorrow. See you then._ ” and he hung up.

“Except that you’re not here _now_.” I mumbled to myself and hugged the covers to my chest. I glanced towards the phone but I couldn’t see it. It was already dark in my room, and I didn’t even realise when that happened. I’ve stayed in bed all day. I wasn’t something that happened a lot, but I didn’t even care now. At the moment it was the only thing I was capable of without doing harm to myself.

Took my phone from my bedside table and plugged in the earphones. I had a whole playlist for sad songs, which were mainly Muse, so I decided to listen to them. I pressed play and sank back in my pillow. Music was the best thing I could think of that would help me fall asleep again.

That was the only thing I wanted to do. Sleep. Sleep forever.

Or at least until Phil returned.

 

Friday morning I felt like watching the plane leave six days ago was in another life. I opened my eyes and wanted to stay in bed just like the day before, but I forced myself to stand up and go to the bathroom. I had to look like a human being by the time Phil arrived home.

After taking a look at myself in the mirror I wanted to cry. I looked like a homeless, sleep-deprived alcoholic. With a broken heart.

I started with washing. I took a shower, washing my hair as well. I smelled like a trash bin, so it was absolute priority.

That’s when thoughts started to flow in my brain. What would I tell Phil about Chris? And the email, the voicemail or why I didn’t call him back as he asked me to? I couldn’t do that. I was not ready. I had to take my time preparing myself for meeting him again. But what if he was angry with me? I was totally not able to cope with that. How would I explain the dirt that covered the whole flat? Explain I haven’t done anything productive all week?

I turned the water off and, covered by towels, stumbled back to my room. I dressed up – black jeans and quirky shirt as always – and went into the kitchen, because my stomach reminded me that I haven’t eaten proper food in days. I made myself a mug of noodles, but was still thinking.

Was Phil aware of my crush? (I refused to use the ‘L’ word because it sounded ridiculous.) And if he was, did the lack of his reaction mean he was hoping it would disappear? Or was the topic just too awkward to talk about? And how was I going to face him? After realising that what I felt was… was just not going to go away? Should we have talked about it?

And what if he didn’t want me to live with him after it?

I didn’t care my noodles were ready in the microwave, I was leaning against the counter and couldn’t move. The thought that I would ever have to live separate from him hit me like a rock. But it was going to happen anyways, wasn’t it? When he found his significant other, I couldn’t live with them. I would become a burden.

But _danandphil_ without Phil was just Dan. Who wanted _just Dan_? It was no sugar, just spice, black without white, a garden, but no flowers in it. My existence without Phil was insignificant. I was nothing if I wasn’t with him. And it was proved by the last few days. I couldn’t laugh, couldn’t speak, I was even barely breathing.

I felt myself slipping down onto the floor, sitting on the cold tiles, with my back to the counter. I was crying again but I was not angry at myself anymore. I needed him, so much it felt like I was physically tied to the floor.

I didn’t want a life without him. It didn’t feel right. Then there would be no ‘meaning of life’ at all. For me, it was his happiness. To see the joy on his face when I made him smile and feel the warmth in mine as he did the same to me. Was it too much to ask for?

I heard the front door hesitantly opening, and closing some moments later. There was a light thump, probably from a bag dropped on the floor, and before I knew it, Phil was walking in the kitchen.

“Dan?” he stopped in the door, and I watched him through my tears. He was wearing his mustard hoodie and blue jeans, an afraid expression on his face as he rushed to me. He dropped on his knees beside me. “What happened?” he asked, voice uncertain.

He put his hands on both sides of my face and that was the moment I realised he was real. He was back, in the flat again. He was there, and I made him worried and I was the worst person in the world but I just couldn’t help it.

I grabbed the front of his hoodie and pulled him close to me. I buried my face in the crook of his neck. He was unsure for a moment but then put his arms around me and held me tightly. I hugged him back, sobbing into him as I mumbled.

“You’re back.”

“Yes, I am. Oh my god, Dan, it’s okay, I’m here.” he was caressing my hair on the back of my neck, and I would have never let anybody do it but him. I was clinging to him, grabbing the back of his hoodie.

I eventually calmed down in some minutes. I let him go, but he didn’t move far away, just sat next to me, arm still around my shoulder. I leaned into him, knees up to my chest. He was stroking my fringe and held me close to him. He didn’t force a conversation, but I wanted to talk. I wanted to know we were still there, still real.

“I missed you so much, Phil.” I murmured.

“I missed you, too, Dan.” he responded quietly. He fondly kissed the top of my head.

“I’m such an idiot.” I told him, because I felt like one, really. I have ruined his trip to Europe, and I couldn’t undo this.

“You are not.”

“Yes, I am!” I pulled away to look at him in the eye. I wiped my tears away so I could see him now. His eyes were huge and wonderful, like summer sky and clear brooks, his lips full and inviting, but I didn’t want to make things worse between us so I kept talking. “I’m an adult, I should be able to take care of myself, but I’m mentally retarded or something because I can’t. I’m just a fucking burden when it comes to us, because… god, I’m a mess without you, Phil.”

“I’m here. And not leaving you alone.” he promised me, taking my hand. It was nothing like the way I wanted him to hold my hand.

“That’s not what I meant.” I shook my head sadly. _Now or never._ “I need you. I’ve always needed you. But not as a flatmate or my best friend. I mean, of course I need you like that, too, but I want us… to be more. This week, these awfully miserable days made me realise I can’t pretend any longer that I don’t love you. Because I do. I love you. More than I love life itself.”

“Dan…” Phil’s jaw hung open.

“And probably you’ll never want me like that which I understand, because I’m a mess. But please, please don’t hate me too much because this is already ruining me and I’m not sure I could-“

My words were cut off by Phil’s lips crushing against mine, and I literally forgot how to breathe. My brain – for the first time in days – went totally blank and the only thing left was my feelings. And that was all I could ask for. We didn’t really _kiss_ , it was more like the touch that made goose bumps come out on my arms. It was nothing like the kiss with Chris. This was just pure Phil, and my knees went weak at the thought.

When we parted, I was sure I could process none of the previous seconds. Our foreheads were pushed against each other, and I was staring in his eyes.

“Don’t you believe for a moment that you were the only one suffering this week.” he whispered. “The reason I took this trip alone was to prove myself I was capable of spending time without you. I realised I wasn’t. I love you, Dan. You have no idea.”

I found myself smiling. I’d have never guessed I would smile again this week.

“Please don’t leave.” I pulled him in a hug again.

“Never again.” he promised, and kissed my neck. It felt like electricity connecting to my skin, but it felt so right. I gaped and put my fingers in his hair. He smiled against my neck and pulled me closer.

I knew we had to talk about the two of us, but at the moment, holding him as close as possible, kissing him was more than enough.

Maybe without those six days I would have never gathered my courage to tell him how I felt. I was sure at least one issue of my existential crisis stopped being a question. Looking for the ‘meaning of life’. I could stop running circles trying to find it because it was right next to me all this time.

Typical Dan.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading ^^ and remember, i take prompts! keep me occupied so i won't have to think about september and school


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